Overcoming Shame and Reclaiming Your Story

Shame is like an overzealous bodyguard you didn’t hire. It has the job to keep you from getting hurt or rejected, but it tends to overreact. It may end up tackling you to the ground for things like making eye contact too long or sharing your real opinion in a meeting. Yet, this reaction isn’t random! From an evolutionary standpoint, shame is wired within to keep us in the group. In the days when social rejection could mean being left outside the cave at night, a strong “don’t stand out” instinct worked hard to keep us alive. The problem is this same instinct often mistakes vulnerability for mortal danger, leaving us hiding in plain sight even when connection is exactly what we need.

Why Shame Feels So Heavy

Shame is a survival emotion. Evolutionarily speaking, it’s meant to keep us in good standing with our group so we don’t get kicked out of the proverbial cave. Back when survival meant having people to help gather food and scare off predators, that was a great plan. In modern life, this “stay safe by staying small” strategy often backfires. Instead of motivating us to change unhelpful behavior, shame convinces us to hide, withdraw, and believe the worst about ourselves.

The Cycle of Silence

Research shows that shame thrives in secrecy. The more we avoid talking about it, the more it festers. Like a houseplant you forgot about, except instead of dying quietly in the corner, it grows into an invasive vine wrapping around every part of your life. Shame tells us we’re alone in our struggle. Yet, the experience of shame is universal. We are not alone. What makes the difference in outcomes is whether we respond with isolation or connection.

Reclaiming Your Story

While shame is powerful, it’s not invincible. You can rewrite the story it tells you!

• Name it. Studies show that labeling our emotions helps regulate them. Saying, “I feel shame right now,” engages the brain’s prefrontal cortex, which helps bring logic back into the room.

• Find safe witnesses. Sharing your story with someone who responds with empathy can dismantle shame’s grip. Choose people who have earned the right to hear your story, not the coworker who treats gossip as a team sport.

• Challenge the script. Ask: “Whose voice is this?” Often, shame echoes old messages from caregivers, peers, or systems we’ve outgrown. You can learn to respond with your own kinder voice.

• Practice self-compassion. According to Dr. Kristin Neff’s research, self-compassion is one of the most effective antidotes to shame. It’s not about excusing harm. It’s about treating yourself like a human being instead of your own personal villain.

Shame in Disguise

Here’s the part they don’t tell you in self-help books: Shame doesn’t just pack up and leave forever after doing the work. Sometimes it comes back like a raccoon sifting through the trash. This little shame raccoon is unexpected, persistent, and maybe wears a little mask! Every time you catch this shame raccoon, you can remind yourself, This is just shame coming to visit and working through trashed theories about myself. This way, you reclaim a little more of your story and decide what versions stay in the rough draft bin.

Final Thought

Your story isn’t ruined because of the painful chapters. Often, those pages hold the most transformation. You are allowed to hold both the truth of what happened and the possibility of who you are becoming. Shame is just a story that sometimes forgets your strength, and you don’t have to believe it.

Ashley Bell, MMFT, LMFT

*Responsibly created with the help of ChatGPT