Conflict Resolution: How to Navigate Relationship Disasters and Become Conflict Masters!

Every relationship will experience conflict. Disagreements are part of the deal when two complex humans share anything from toothpaste to life dreams. This means the goal won’t be to avoid conflict altogether. As a clinician and researcher, I’ve found that it’s not if conflict happens that matters, but how it plays out. How couples handle tension can lead to repair and intimacy or to disconnection and apocalyptic levels of distress.

Complementing this clinical insight is the work of renowned relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman. Through decades of observational research, Gottman identified four particularly damaging communication behaviors known as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.  These behaviors can predict relationship divorce with over 90% accuracy (watch here).  His discoveries were not all bad, he also identified clear antidotes to each of these destructive patterns. So, let’s meet these Four Horsemen and learn how to send them trotting out of your relationship.

How the 4 Horsemen and Antidotes May Look in Action

Horseman	What It Looks Like	Antidote in Action
Criticism	Attacking your partner’s character instead of naming a specific behavior. “You never listen—you’re so selfish.”	Gentle Start-Up Use “I” statements and focus on how you feel. “I felt overwhelmed doing bedtime solo. Can we talk about sharing that load?”
Contempt	Sarcasm, eye-rolling, mocking, and name-calling. This one erodes trust fastest. “Wow, how generous of you to help for once.”	Build a Culture of Appreciation Regularly express thanks, affection, and admiration. “I really appreciated you making dinner tonight. It meant a lot.”
Defensiveness	Denying responsibility or shifting blame. “It’s not my fault—we’re only late because you took forever.”	Take Responsibility Even owning part of the problem helps de-escalate. “You’re right, I lost track of time. I’ll set an alarm next time.”
Stonewalling	Emotionally shutting down, withdrawing, or going silent. Often due to overwhelm.	Self-Soothing Take a break to calm down, then return when you’re ready. “I’m getting flooded. Can we take a short break and talk again in 20?”

When in Doubt, Repair with Heart

With all the research and effort to navigate conflict well, let’s remember that no one is perfect.  Despite our best efforts, we as humans will all make mistakes. This means we must practice repairing with heartfelt care within our relationship. A thoughtful repair (“Hey, I apologize because that came out wrong.  May I try that again for you?”) can soften even the sharpest moment.

If your relationship has started to feel more like a standoff instead of a safe haven, it may be time to work on the conflict pattern with relational therapy support. Remember, conflict doesn’t have to mean chaos. Healthy conflict becomes the doorway to a deeper and more meaningful relationship.

Here's to my hope you find meaningful ways to navigate relationship conflict with care,

Ashley Bell, LMFT

Gottman Research Reference

Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (2000). The timing of divorce: Predicting when a couple will divorce over a 14-year period. Journal of Marriage and Family, 62(3), 737–745. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2000.00737.x