Maintaining Healthy Relationships

When it comes to maintaining healthy relationships of any kind, you can bet that communication, care, and effort are going to be at the core. 

Let’s start with care. 

At the foundation of a relationship, there is an assumption that both people care about the other. Care can be shown in many different ways. A few important ways to show care are: showing respect (for the person and their boundaries), showing appreciation, and having empathy/concern for their feelings.

• Do you know your own boundaries? How do you communicate your boundaries?

• What boundaries does the other person have? How do you respond when they show/ share a boundary?

• Let people know they matter to you. A small gratitude, check-in, or compliment can go a long way!

• Validate the other person’s feelings and try to understand how they’re feeling. Empathy and validation are important ways to show the other person you care about them. You don’t need to agree with their opinion to validate their feelings.

Now, let’s talk about communication!

The goal in most healthy relationships is honest, open, respectful communication. People can’t read your mind, even if they love you and know you well. It’s important to tell others where you’re at and what you need. It’s equally important to be able to actively listen to the other person, without interrupting, trying to “fix” the problem, or trying to change their mind. Try listening to understand. Once you understand, you can ask the other person what they need. Then you can decide whether you are able/ willing to fill that need. Being understood and heard is a very important need in and of itself - you might be surprised just how far active listening gets you!

• Do you and the other person handle conflict well? How could you improve? 

• Focus on resolving the conflict rather than “winning” or getting your way.

• Take a break and revisit the topic later if emotions get too high. 

• It’s ok to disagree, respectfully.

Lastly, let’s talk effort. 

By effort, I don’t mean relationships should be overly straining or perpetually uncomfortable. My supervisor, Dr. Carly LeBaron said that healthy relationships often feel like “60-60”, rather than “50-50”. Each person in a giving relationship may feel like they’re giving more than the other person. In reality, relationships require constant exchanges of give and take. Many of us have a tendency to overestimate how much we give and underestimate how much we take. Keep an eye on if a relationship feels one-sided. But if you feel like you’re giving about 60% of the time, you’re probably doing things about right.

It’s important to remember to take care of yourself so you have the energy to connect with and support another person. You will change over time and so will the person you’re in a relationship with - so stay curious and supportive! The lifespan of a relationship often includes change, challenge, and deep reward. 

Hanna

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