Recognizing Red Flags (and Green Ones) in Dating Relationships

“I’m sick of kissing frogs,” Niema* sighed after her most recent, painful breakup. “Do you have a list of all the things I should be looking out for, so I don’t have to keep doing this over and over again?”

Niema, like so many of my clients who are currently involved in the dating scene, was seriously struggling with finding a healthy partner and becoming a healthy partner herself. A common roadblock for my clients, and maybe for some of you, too, is that they tend to be so eager for connection that they date with their eyes half shut. Often, it’s because they have huge hearts and want to believe the best about others, so they ignore or explain away warning signs that otherwise might save them from significant heartache.

As you get to know a potential dating partner, you need to be on the lookout for all types of behavior. I like to use the analogy of different colored flags to describe and categorize behaviors and patterns in a relationship: green, yellow, orange, and red. Each one lets you label and organization new information about your partner according to good/bad, acceptable/unacceptable, or healthy/unhealthy.

Using this system helps you honestly examine the person and relationship to identify behaviors or patterns, both good and bad, early enough to improve on the good, work on or fix the troubles, and better avoid the harmful or toxic.

Types of Flags:

Green Flags= Behaviors and attitudes that are healthy, considerate, caring, and connecting. Green flags are not about perfection, but about consistency; for example, being consistently kind, patient, honest, etc.

Examples of green flags:

1)      Validating your emotions and experiences, even when it means taking tough feedback themselves.

2)      Using healthy, assertive communication.

3)      Follows through on promises that they make to others.

What to do about green flags: Celebrate them, encourage them, express gratitude and appreciation for them.

Yellow Flags= Behaviors that you find annoying or a little troublesome, but that don’t cause harm to you, that person, or others. Yellow flags are the territory where we give others the space to be human and make mistakes, but we still pay attention to and honor our own preferences.

Examples of yellow flags:

1)      They chew with their mouth open and that grosses you out a little.

2)      They sometimes act differently around others than when you’re alone.

3)      Every once in a while, they tell a white lie to avoid confrontation.

What to do about yellow flags: Keep an eye on them. Pay attention to if they are bothersome enough that it changes your feelings or experiences about the person. Notice if they become consistent patterns that might change them into orange flags.

Orange Flags= Behaviors that cause hurt or harm but aren’t deliberately or maliciously done. Consistent patterns of bothersome behavior that they don’t acknowledge or take accountability for that create struggles in the relationship.

Examples of orange flags:

1)      Someone who uses “brutal” honesty.

2)      Consistent passive-aggressive behavior when they are upset or don’t get their way.

3)      Consistent jealous or untrusting behavior when there has been no relationship harm previously that would cause it.

What to do about orange flags: Communicate your concerns with you partner, express your boundaries around the issue, make requests to change/growth, then watch to see if the behavior changes. If honest change is made, great! Green flag. If not, the behavior may become a red flag.

Red Flags= Behaviors that cause harm that are deliberately or maliciously done. Orange flag behaviors, intentional or not, that you have addressed and that they can’t or won’t change despite knowing they cause harm.

Examples of red flags:

1)      Any form of abuse (physical, emotional, psychological, verbal, spiritual, sexual, financial, etc.)

2)      Explosive anger that creates fear for your safety or that intimidates you.

3)      Manipulation and gaslighting to get out of taking accountability or to get what they want from you.

What to do about red flags: Red flags are immediate relationship enders. Keep in mind that people tend to be on their best behavior during the dating relationship, so it often sets the ceiling the best they’ll treat you. So, if they engage in this behavior while dating, it will likely continue and potentially worsen. Red flags should never be ignored or explained away.

The best gift you can give yourself as a dater is to pay attention to all the flags in a relationship, no matter their color.

Don’t just see them, toss them in a corner and never look at them again. See them, consider them carefully, and store them somewhere to review later. Once you have an honest accounting of who your dating partner is and the health of the relationship you create together, the sooner and better you can make decisions to keep yourself healthy, happy, and safe. You deserve to have, and be, a green flag partner!

If you struggle in your relationships, identify some non-green flags in yourself that you want to work on, or are in a relationship that has concerning flags, we would love to help! Reach out to us any time.

Carly