Why Some Apologies Fall Flat (and How to Do Better)

We’ve all been there when someone says, “I’m sorry,” but something doesn’t sit right. You might feel unheard, dismissed, or even blamed. On the flip side, maybe you have apologized to someone, only to realize it didn’t bring the repair you were hoping for.

So what makes some apologies fall flat, and how can we do better?

Common Reasons Apologies Don’t Land

1. The Apology Centers the Wrong Person:

“I’m sorry you feel that way” sounds more like a subtle deflection than an expression of accountability. It focuses on the other person’s reaction rather than the speaker’s actions.

2. There’s a “But” Involved:

“I’m sorry, but you really overreacted.” Any apology that includes a “but” almost always justifies the original behavior which is undoing the apology entirely.

3. The Apology is Rushed:

Sometimes we say sorry just to smooth things over or end discomfort quickly. But if the other person doesn’t feel seen or understood, it can feel like a shortcut rather than a genuine effort to repair.

4. There’s No Change in Behavior:

An apology without changed behavior is like a bandage on a wound that keeps getting reopened. Real repair means committing to do better moving forward.

What Makes an Apology Meaningful?

1. Take Full Ownership:

Use clear, direct language:

“I was wrong to raise my voice at you.”

“I hurt you by canceling last minute.”

Taking ownership shows that you understand your role in what happened.

2. Validate the Impact:

Even if you didn’t intend to hurt someone, it’s important to acknowledge the effect your actions had.

“I understand that made you feel dismissed and unimportant.”

3. Don’t Explain Right Away:

It’s natural to want to explain your side, but timing matters. Listen first. When someone feels fully heard, they’re more likely to be open to your perspective later.

4. Ask What’s Needed to Repair:

Sometimes a heartfelt apology is enough. Other times, it may take actions, boundaries, or conversations over time. Asking, “Is there anything I can do to make this right?” opens the door to true repair.

5. Follow Through:

The most powerful part of any apology is what comes next which is showing with your actions that you’re committed to doing better.

Apologizing is a Skill And It Can Be Learned

Many of us didn’t grow up seeing healthy conflict resolution modeled. Maybe we learned to defend, deflect, or shut down instead. But like any relational skill, apologizing well can be practiced and strengthened.

If you find yourself stuck in repeated conflict, or if apologies never seem to help repair your relationships, therapy can be a supportive space to explore this more deeply. Together, we can work on building emotional safety, improving communication, and restoring connection.

Julia Peterson, MSW, CSW

*Responsibly created with the help of ChatGPT