Yours, Mine, and Ours: Finding Yourself in a Relationship

Let’s be real. We all know the feeling of lighting up when someone says, “I just love that color on you,” or “Your hair looks so good like that.” Compliments are powerful. Sometimes, without even realizing it, we start dressing a certain way or styling our hair differently, hoping to hear that validation again from someone we care about.

And honestly, there’s nothing wrong with that.

But what happens when we stop remembering why we loved our old favorite outfit or forget how good it felt to throw our hair in a ponytail before the gym? This is where things get a little blurry. The line between “I’m growing with my partner” and “I’ve lost touch with myself” can be really thin.

That’s one of the trickiest parts of being in a relationship: finding the balance between my identity, your identity, and our identity you build together. So, how do we stay grounded in ourselves while sharing life with someone else?

Start with You: Date Yourself First

You’ve probably heard the phrase “date yourself first.” While it might sound like a Pinterest quote or pop psychology, it’s actually rooted in solid relationship research. Self-awareness is key to relational health. When you know yourself well, you’re more likely to make choices that align with your values, boundaries, and long-term needs.

So what does it actually mean to “date yourself”?

It could be as simple as taking yourself out to dinner to discover what you enjoy without anyone else's preferences in the mix. Or, it might mean exploring new hobbies on your own, figuring out your quirks and habits, and reflecting on what makes you feel most alive, safe, and seen.

Try This: The "Want, Will Do, Won’t Do" Exercise

One tool I love for this kind of self-reflection is the “Want, Will Do, Won’t Do” exercise. It's often used in couples’ therapy or sexual health education, but it's just as powerful when done solo.

Here’s how it works:

• Wants are the things that bring you joy, excitement, or desire. These might be activities, rituals, or relationship dynamics that light you up.

• Will dos are things you're open to, even if they aren't top priorities. Maybe you're willing to try salsa dancing even though it's not totally your thing.

• Won’t dos are your hard no’s. These could be boundaries around time, touch, communication, values or anything else that helps you feel safe and respected.

  
  

When you take the time to fill this out on your own, you start building a clear internal compass. That way, when you're in a relationship, it's easier to recognize the difference between a partner who inspires growth and one who pressures you to change.

Honoring the “Ours” Without Losing the “Mine”

It’s beautiful when couples blend lives and create shared traditions. But if we don’t stay rooted in our own identities, we can start to feel like we’re living someone else’s life.

That’s why checking in with your personal “want, will do, won’t do” list regularly is a great way to protect your sense of self. Your answers might shift over time, especially as you grow or face new life transitions. But having clarity on what’s yours can make you a stronger, more present partner.

So go ahead and wear your favorite color, even if no one compliments it. Pull your hair into a ponytail because it feels good. Take yourself on dates, make your own lists, and don’t stop asking: Is this something I truly want, or something I’ve absorbed from someone else?

Because the healthiest relationships don’t ask us to shrink. They invite us to bring our full, evolving selves to the table: messy parts, strong opinions, comfy sweatpants, and all.

Maria Lopez, Graduate Student Intern